THE UNKNOWN FINGER

Get that finger out of your ear..you don’t know where that fingers been! - wise words from the classic screwball comedy AIRPLANE.

I find myself in a similar quandary of where my finger snuck off to to cause my current predicament. I will spare my readers the Ewwy details but describe my appendage as a once shiny metrosexual digit that enjoyed the occasional belly scratch, Peanut Butter lick or baby tickle. It was a few days ago when I first noticed the tip of my pointer finger taking on the appearance of an agry body builder on steroids. It started to grow in size and girth and also became an unusual shade of red. it reminded me of when I floss my teeth and forget that you wrapped the tiny rope one time too tight cutting off the circulation.

I dismissed the new look as a temporary finger tantrum and ordered it to swell back down when it was done with its fit of rage. For the days that followed I didn’t pay my finger too much notice as I typed my e-mails, clicked the remote or pointed my finger in the air during disco dances with my daughter. But I was only pretending, avoiding the inevitable..the 800 pound gorilla finger in the room. My brain knew what had to be done but my heart and mostly my stomach couldn’t cope with what had to be done..Confrontation!

I started to Google possible causes of finger swollenstation..Atleast that’s what I diagnosed my problem as. urns out there are 2115 possible causes of what can cause a finger to suddenly balloon up!! I became obsessed with words such as Alpha-hydroxyphenylpyruvate hydroxylase deficiency or Hydroxyglutaricaciduria..I started to back track every place I took my finger too and every shady person I shook hands with..every piece of fast food that may have contained the genetic ingrediatnts to cause my finger to go all loony on me.

The expression the simplest explanation is the correct one lingered in my brain as It finally dawned on me that Machismo lifestyle of cutting my own fingernails was probably the culprit that did my finger in.

So I visited the hand doctor today. They shot my hand with Novocain and I watched the muscles slowly go to sleep as I counted backwards from five on my hand. The doctor was a very nice man that recorded everything on something called a tape recorder. He asked me if I wanted to watch the fun stuff pour out of me as if my frozen face of fear gave him the impression I am into watching Vulcan green slime depart my fragile body.

In the end I was all bandaged up..I whimpered like a baby to all that would hear me and two hours and two pain killers later I am back at my blog writing about my fun finger experience. I forgive my finger for whatever distasteful activites it was involved in and know that whatever mischief it was up to it got what it deserved. I tell this tale as a warning to all men that choose not to live the metrosexual life, listen to their significant others and dare to be the only guy in the asian nail salon getting a Mani,- suck it up or the doctor may one day be sucking up your finger!!

Keep pointing and Row Your Boat!